Love, such a wonderful love

As I sit here on this Resurrection Sunday I am so grateful for the love God has for me. It is by far the greatest feeling ever, to know that you are loved. God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son (John 3:16)...He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed... (Isaiah 53:5).

I rejoice in that but it took me some time to understand just how much God loved me. For a while I was angry with Him, angry at the string of events that had occurred in my life. I couldn't fathom how someone could love me but take away such a vital piece of my life, my heart. And then one day He made it oh so clear to me. He didn't take my mother away, he called her home...much like a parent calls their child in from outside when it gets dark. Who was I to question what He did with His child, she didn't belong to me...she belonged to Him. Did I know the plans He had for her? Did I understand her prayers? Was I there for her entire journey? And much like Job, I couldn't do anything but repent and admit that "I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know..." (Job 42:3). I quickly learned that God does love me and He loves me more than I love myself. Even when I walked away from Him He kept me safe, He kept me clothed, He kept me fed, He kept me. That love is what keeps me going day in and day out, on the dark days it lights a path, when I am weak it gives me strength. It is a wonderful feeling to be loved and know it.

I still miss her everyday, just wanting one more hug, one more kiss, one more chance to hear her yell "Kimberly". But each day I get stronger, each prayer makes me calmer. And I know that she is proud of all of us. One day I will see her again and when I do we have so much to talk about!

Why?

Have you ever sat back and wondered why me? Why am I in the spotlight? What is it about what I am doing that attracts so many people? As I journey through this process I find myself questioning why a lot. Today I had the chance to do something amazing and yet the whole time I was thinking "why me"? Why not her? Or him?

I'm just an ordinary girl who is on a mission. A mission that began in April of 2009 when my family found out our mom, Debra Jennings, had cancer. On that day we knew a war had begun. While it had affected our family before, this time it became personal. Surgery, chemo, radiation, more surgery, more chemo, clinical trials...it was a battle between us and that disease. She had a very resilient form of breast cancer called Triple Negative. Then suddenly, out of the blue in July of 2011 this woman who gave her all to her family passed away, still fighting the entire time. Throughout the entire journey our mom showed extreme strength and grace. Even now, looking back, I am in awe that this woman who I looked up to all of my life was even greater then I could have ever imagined. She is and always will be a hero to my family. God has truly blessed us by placing her in our lives. 

Losing my mother was the last straw...I can't sit back and watch cancer take away people prematurely. I can't. I won't. So I made a vow to do everything I could to save lives. I do not want another family to have to endure the pain we feel everyday. I don't want another daughter to not have her mom there to shop for wedding dresses, or a son who has no one to dance with during the mother-son dance on his important day. That's all I want...to save a life, to find a cure. And I know I am not the only one who feels that way so again I ask why me? Then a funny thing happened, as I was talking to a friend they proceeded to ask me..."why not you"? As I stumbled to answer he told me "every message needs a messenger for delivery and regardless of the messenger the message doesn't change. Why you and not someone else is simply because that is how God planned it. For His purpose which is bigger than we can imagine you are His messenger...so sit back and rejoice that you are blessed and highly favored." This whole experience is humbling. I am so grateful for the people that have given their support and encouragement. I just ask that everyone please bear with me as I learn to appreciate this journey by not questioning why...

What life has taught me so far...Happy Birthday to me!

As I get ready to turn 30...again...don't judge me... I can't help but think about my life. I have been through so much yet I am so far from perfect. I am still learning, still growing.  I've done things that shouldn't have been done, said things that shouldn't have been said, seen things I shouldn't have saw, and known things that should have remained unknown. At times I have been a bad person, a bad friend. I have turned my back on people who needed me, doubted others efforts, even spoke ill of some. Occasionally I just plain suck at life. 

I want to apologize to everyone I have let down, everyone I may have hurt...my mom, my dad, JJ, Ashley, Celina, Kia, Angie, Deanna, Selena, Tutan, Alicia, Danielle, Joseph, Dre, Kim, Aja, Shedarra, BJ, Romel, M.A.A., Shannon, Kahn, Cory, Mike, Shannon, Heidi, Tony...this list could go on so let's just say my family, my friends...I am so sorry. To those I have not failed yet, I apologize because I will fail you one day.

But I am so grateful, thankful that God forgives. Some may never but He always will.

30 taught me about death and grief, 31 taught me about life, I don't know what 32 will bring but I am sure ready for the ride. How did I get here? It's been a journey, one that has caused me to relearn my ABC's...

A - At the end of the day, when it is all said and done we are family. We fight, we laugh, we cry, we are in this together.

B - "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

C - Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30

D - "​Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened."

E - “Each day comes bearing its own gifts. Untie the ribbons."

F - "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

G - "Gentlemen may prefer blondes but it takes a real man to handle a redhead."

H - He who thinks before he speaks is wise.

I - Isn't it funny how life pushes us to grow even when we aren't ready.

J - Just because everyone isn't your friend doesn't mean you can't be a friend to everyone.

K - "Kill them with kindness and bury them with a smile?"

L - Live, love, laugh.

M - "My grandfather told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group, there was much less competition."

N - "Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."

O - Opposites attract.

P -Psalm 23: The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Q - Quit trying to please others if you can't please yourself.

R - "Respect is earned not given."

S - "Some things I regret, there are some words I wish had gone unsaid...some starts, that had some bitter endings, been some bad times I've been through, damage I cannot undo...some things, I wish I could do all all over again, but it don't really matter...Life gets that much harder, it makes you that much stronger...Oh, some pages turned, Some bridges burned, But there were... Lessons learned"

T - "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

U - Unhappiness depends on attitude. 

V - "Veni, vidi, vici" (I came, I saw, I conquered)

W - "Will you do it for a Scooby snack?"

X - Xcept for God (Don't judge me lol)

Y - "You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut."

Z - "Zen's greatest contribution is to give you an alternative to the serious man."